How to Write An Effective Sentence
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Assignment “Poorly Written Sentences”
Business Communication
Poorly Written Sentences
Below, are 15 poorly written sentences. Rewrite them to improve the word choice, syntax, tone and mechanics of each. After each revised sentence, briefly describe why the original sentence was not effective.
1 The supervisor had everyone to mutually cooperate together or someone would file a lawsuit against the company.
2 Jennifer was able to take the promotion after it was offered to her based on her past experiences.
3 It is important that all men in our company feel a sense of pride.
4 Robert defiantly wanted to take advantage of the awesome responsibly assigned to him to prove he was ready for a promotion.
5 The president of the company asked employees to reconsider his plan to make the place better, but his request fell on deaf ears.
6His accommodating style today is just the calm before the storm.
7 Mr. Reed went by train to travel from Chicago to Indianapolis.
8 The car was parked not far away.
9 The men and women that are members of the communication department hope to settle the conflict with the legal department so that isn’t an amazingly long time before something gets done before the public notices the company is having internal problems that will impact them if the men and women of the committee to get this fixed soon.
10 Mr. Llbbins remains essentially unfathomable in regards his attitude about his being fired, even though his sophomoric ways contributed to the event.
11 My boss knows that I will not forget to get all of the files taken care of, dress inappropriately for the Christmas party, and ruin our reputation with the clients we invited.
12 All men in this office have weaknesses, including myself, more than I can count whether they be serious or minor.
13 He gave an OK to spending the $32,000 figure for the car.
14 The envelop was placed by her with final payment in the drop box.
15 Our company should fair well in this years negotiations
SAMPLE ANSWER
The paragraphs in the following essay start by providing the revised sentence then followed by a brief description why the original sentence was not effective.
The supervisor had everyone to mutually cooperate or else someone would file a lawsuit against the company. In the original sentence the word ‘mutually’ already indicates the togetherness required hence the use of the word ‘together’ in the same sentence is an an unnecessary repetition
Jennifer accepted the promotion after it was offered to her based on her experience. The choice of words ‘was able to take’ in the original sentence are not appropriate to use in reference to promotions but rather ‘accepted’ which is more appropriate.
It is important that everyone in our company feels a sense of pride. The use of the word ‘men’ in the original sentence is gender insensitive and should be replaced with a more gender sensitive word such as ‘everyone’.
Robert wanted to take the advantage of the awesome responsibility given to him to prove that he was ready for a promotion. In the original sentence, an adjective ‘responsibly’ has been used instead of using a noun. (Stanley, 2012, pg 15)
The president of the company requested his employees to reconsider his plan of making the place better but his request fell on deaf ears. In the original sentence ‘asked’ has been used but what the president of the company had brought forward to his employees was a request not a
He has calm before the storm accommodating style today. In the original sentence ‘calm before the storm’ is used as an adjective to describe his trait so the phrase should preside the words ‘accommodating style’. (Stanley, 2012, pg 11)
Mr. Reeds traveled from Chicago to Indianapolis by train. In the original sentence the syntax was incorrect.
The car was parked nearby. The word coming after parked should be an adjective of place, in the original sentence the words ’not far away’ do not qualify as being an adjective of place. (Stanley, 2012, pg 17)
The members of the communication department hope to settle the conflict with the legal department members before the public notices that the company is having internal problems which will have an impact on the members if the problem is not fixed soon. In the original sentence there is the use of words such as ‘men and women’ which can just be replaced with a single word such as ‘members’
Mr. Libbbins remains essentially unfathomable in regards to his attitude about him being fired even though his sophomoric actions contributed to the event. The original sentence was not grammatically constructed.
My boss knows that I will not forget to get all the files taken care of, dress inappropriately or ruin our relationship with the clients. In the original sentence, ‘reputation’ is used with the word ‘with’ which is grammatically incorrect.
All men in this office, including myself, have many weaknesses more than I can count, whether serious or minor. In the original sentence the syntax was incorrect.
He agreed on $32,000 being spent on the car. The choice of the word ‘gave an ok’ is not appropriate but rather should be ‘agreed’
She placed the envelop which contained the final payment in the drop box. In the original sentence ‘which contained the final payment’ act as an adjective to describe the envelope so they should come immediately after the envelop.
Our company should fare well in this year’s negotiations. An apostrophe should be there in the word ‘year’ so that it indicates that the word ‘year’ was an adjective specifying the negotiation which is being talked about.
REFERENCE
Stanley, F. (2012), How to Write An Effective Sentence. MCB UP Ltd
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